i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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