I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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