pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
