Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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