I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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