I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
