: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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