Don't make out with my wife yet
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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