I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
