Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
