I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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