This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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