totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
