I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
