Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
