Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
