I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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