My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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