So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize