I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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