I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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