Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
