So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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