this beer tastes like vomit already
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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