My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
