i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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