No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
