Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
