You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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