i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
operation harelip BJ is a go
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
