speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
