i'm signing you up for texting rehab
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
