He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
