if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
