This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
