happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
