shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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