Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
