He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
