1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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