You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
