this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
