I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
