I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
