my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
