I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
