I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
sarcasm needs its own font
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
