just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
