he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
