my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
