Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
