Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
